Hey there my lovelies,
Welcome back to my Blog!
These past few weeks have been one roller-coaster of emotions, one after the other and it felt like I could not catch a break (still does!).
It is funny how I feel that I am always in control as to what happens but it is really far from the truth. The downfall of emotions all started when I went to look for something in the house! I was sure of where it was – I was 1000% sure – only to find out I was wrong and I went mental! I looked everywhere and still to this day I have not found it!
That exact instant triggered in me something I always managed somehow to push down and not let it get the best of me but this time around it had the upper hand and it was winning ….. Failure! From something like a misplaced or lost item to having to deal with a bombardment of thoughts that lead all to one direction …. feeling like a failure!
I felt like at one point life became like a race towards endless perfection. So much pressure on my shoulder – endless battles in my mind over and over – you have to do it all – be present for my child, my family, while being the best version of me on my job and aspiring to live my best life! How am I going to handle this!
That seconds when something goes wrong and you crack under all that pressure – you cannot escape the ‘failing at everything’ feeling! I don’t know about you but there are days I feel like I’m a hamster on a wheel, juggling dozens of balls in the air (without dropping a single one! Or at least, not the important ones…) while running faster and faster only to go nowhere really!
Hardest thing of all though, even if I am doing a million things at the same time, it doesn’t feel like I am doing onething well. There are so many demands on me, and my time, being it by me or by others. I keep saying to myself the hustle will be worth it in the end, but that doesn’t make all the commitments any easier.
But like everything else pushing those bad feelings away is never my forte at one point I feel buried under a pile of guilt feelings, worries and misery.
I keep reminding myself that everyday I show up I am present and I show my kid love (he would not even know that I am super stressed). I feed and nourish my family – I am not the world’s great chef but at the end of the day their belly is happy! To the best of my knowledge I try to be a role model for my son and teach him that being ‘pretty’ has nothing to do with being beautiful. I know I am raising him to be kind, compassionate, resilient, hard-working and a well-rounded human being but I cannot stop thinking that this too might go wrong.
I also do my best to be present for my partner but he most probably will disagree as he might feel that he always comes last and we do not spend enough time just the two of us ! But I try harder every day.
No one will probably admit to this fact but I know I am not alone in feeling like a failure at times – but I am holding on to dear life here and say to myself that all is not lost – remembering the hug I received from kiddo this morning after I blew off some steam about something insignificant only for him to tell me that everything is OK just broke me! He is just 6 years old.
I hear it when the little one goes bed and he whispers to me something I have thought him to remember when he does not see me around “always in my heart – always and forever”. I see it in the beaming smile of my family when I accidentally ruined dinner – it is OK perfection does not exist!
Lastly I need to stop blaming myself for things that go wrong because I cannot control everything but being a career/working mama it is not an easy job and no one ever said it was but I am doing it every day and that is just perfect!
To all my working / mamas / boss babes trying to fight your daily struggles and facing head on your failures – I SEE YOU!
Until next time